


Wanderer

by bkhchica



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:54:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26903962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bkhchica/pseuds/bkhchica
Summary: Running, Derek reminisces of a past he's afraid to make his future. "In the end, the fault for the destruction lay with me and me alone. I broke you. And in breaking you, I demolished myself." Can he reconcile his demons and realize that his past holds his future? One-Shot. Rated M for language, suggested drug and alcohol use and adult situations.





	Wanderer

My eyes opened slowly.

I glanced around, awakened by the thunder rolling in the background. The deep rumbles played like a soundtrack to the distress in my heart, The nightmares plaguing my slumber were no less than I deserved.

My breathing grew heavy, and I gasped for air, finding it weighted and cloying in my lungs. Heartbeat quickening, I knew the underlying cause- an inability to accept the new hand fate had dealt me. I couldn't blame everything on chance and whimsy though. In the end, the fault for the destruction lay with me and me alone.

I broke you.

And in breaking you, I demolished myself.

My carefree spirit and laidback attitude, bordering on apathetic, was no longer at the forefront of my personality. Instead, I was just a shell of the man I used to be.

Changed.

The chaos of your announcement changed me, wreaking havoc in my soul. I wasn't ready for the responsibility of your decisions and our actions. I wasn't ready to be the man you needed me to be, and I just couldn't bring myself to tell you that. I let it simmer and build until I couldn't stand it anymore.

I distanced myself from you. I pushed you away, ignoring the looks on your face, screaming of your unhappiness and apprehension. Knowing you could never understand, I continued.

I pretended to be ignorant when you asked me what was wrong, but it was like being in a head-on collision. I knew it was coming, but there was nothing I could do but brace myself for impact.

I couldn't measure up.

You said you didn't need me to change, but I saw the disappointment in your eyes when I didn't. I tried, but I couldn't. God knows I tried my hardest to be better. To kick the bad habits and clean up my act, but that was never me.

You knew that from the beginning.

I came to town on a whim and stayed for you, but my wanderlust and spirit of adventure never let me stay in one place for long. You would tease me about being a homeless drifter and I would respond that the world was my home. It didn't matter we were made for each other. I couldn't bring myself to stay with you...for you.

And you couldn't bear to leave.

I pretended joy and contentment to try to make you happy. I forfeit my own peace in an effort to be the person you needed me to be.

It was an impossible situation- we knew it from the start. Yet, I fell head over heels anyway. Your lopsided grin and freckled cheeks that squished up under your lashes when you smiled. The hazel eyes that flashed with each emotion, cluing me in to your every mood. Golden brown when you were content and stormy green when you were passionate or angry.

It was amazing how closely passion and anger intertwined.

The chaotic fights we had ended in profuse apologies and perfect passion. Sometimes you threw things. Sometimes those things hit me, but I never cared too much because that's when it got interesting. You would rush to my side and examine my wound. We'd get lost in each other's eyes and our lips would meet, claiming you with a soul-searing kiss that left us both breathless. Chests heaving, we'd strip each other bare and leave the fight behind, losing ourselves in each other.

Was it really so crazy I missed the way your cool fingers felt tracing the lines of my body? Every touch and caress was branded into my flesh, marking me as yours. Wet kisses trailing over my body until you would take me in your mouth and work me over. You knew just what I liked, but it never ended there.

The taste of you still lingered on my tongue, and I longed for a chance to savor your honeyed essence once again. Feeling you squirm and thrash beneath me, hearing you sigh my name and your cries begging for more.

There was nothing sweeter than that.

Throwing the covers back, I scooted up against the headboard in the lonely, cold motel room. Stubborn and hard-headed. That's what you always called me. That's probably why we clashed, but also why we meshed so well together.

We were so much alike, yet so completely different.

Too different.

As much as I tried to make you hate me with my careless attitude, you fell for me too. At least, that's what you said. You let me into your heart and into your home, the first to put words to the love you felt. I echoed them in the throes of passion, but the words meant just as much then.

I still couldn't get you out of my mind.

I'd tried. I drank myself blind in every bar from here to Tallahassee. In the exhilaration of adrenaline, I climbed and hiked in the Rockies, leaving you behind... at least, I tried to. Burying myself in the two-bit hooker from the corner of Eighty-eighth and Prospect, it was your name I called out in ecstasy only to find complete and utter devastation inside with the realization that it wasn't you. I stared at the white line of powder on the table, staring for hours before I scooped it up and flushed it down the toilet.

Of all the stupid things I've done to forget you, to wipe you from the whiteboard of my memory, I couldn't go back to that. I'd sworn to you that I would never be that dumb again, and for all the promises I broke, that one... that one I kept. Not for you, but for me.

I stood on my feet, the tiles cold against my bare toes. Leaning against the window, I watched the rain come down. My cheek rested in my palm and I wondered where you were.

The hand at my side curled into a fist when I thought of you with him.

He was the constant in your life. The one that wanted you from elementary school days. Was he holding you? Giving you comfort? Were his arms the ones that you laid in at the end of the day? That held you tight during storms like this that scared you silly? Was it his mouth and body that brought you the pleasure that I couldn't give you anymore?

Pain.

I didn't even register the pain in my hand from the punch I'd just given the brick wall in this dive. I didn't notice the blood trickling down my clenched fist and dripping onto the floor. My mind was consumed with grief from losing you, your name playing on repeat in my head. It echoed and bounced around my brain until my body was overwhelmed by the memory of you, so potent that I could still feel your baby-soft skin under my fingertips.

I sank to my knees, calloused hands and bloody knuckles covering my face. Pulling back, I noticed wet drops on my fingers.

It was then I realized I was crying.

For you.

For me.

For all that we lost.

It was never just about one or the other, and as horrible as it was, I'd only just realized it. It was bigger than both of us. Alone we were small and incomplete, but together... we could have ruled the world if we'd just given it a real chance.

A maniacal laugh slipped from my throat and I curled onto my side on the freezing floor. Laying there, I gave in to the sobs. Letting my pain out for all that we lost.

I knew it was pointless, but I couldn't help but think of all the what-ifs. What if I'd stayed with you? What if you'd come with me? What if we'd never been so careless and reckless in the first place?

Would we be happy together in that one-watering-hole-town you called home? Could we be happy together, traipsing all over the world, doing whatever tickles our fancy? Would we even have the good memories to treasure if not for the bad ones?

Knowing most people would kill for a life like mine, I begged, pleaded, and coerced you to come with me. Playing every possible situation I could think of to my favor.

But you wanted roots.

Fucking roots.

You rooted deep inside me. Dug your way under my skin and made me feel even when I didn't want to. You pushed your way past my walls and crumbled them in your wake. As guarded as I tried to be, you managed to get past all my defenses.

You made me love you.

It all came back to the fact I could never be what you wanted me to be... a responsibly stable provider. That's what you wanted. It was simple, you said. You didn't want anything but me, you said. But in the end it was a lie, because I was never any of the things you wanted and needed. I never thought I could be more.

But you made me want to be everything I wasn't...for you.

You worked so hard at trying to mold me into what you wanted me to be that I didn't recognize myself anymore, but that's my fault- I let you. I never fit the mold of your perfect person... your idea of perfection.

Who wants perfection?

I never did.

The flaws you had made me love you even more. The way you drank coffee, doctoring it until it was nothing but sugared milk. The way your nose scrunched when you didn't like something or when you were forced to try something new.

For me, it was exciting and new- different- to be with you. I never wanted you to be anyone but you. Never dreamed of bending you or reshaping you into who I thought you should be.

The fact that I wasn't good enough...it ached and chafed inside, burning in beautiful agony.

It reminded me that what we had was real.

Standing back up, I threw on some clothes, not caring if they were clean or if they matched. Shoving my feet into shoes, I packed the few things I had scattered about the dingy room. Once everything was in the saddlepack, I left, strapping the bag to my bike.

The motel management was sure to love the burn marks left on the pavement.

The wind in my hair and pelting rain jolted me back to reality. I wasn't what you wanted. Couldn't be what you needed, unless you changed your mind.

Unless you decided that what you wanted was me. Who I truly was.

Not the person you wanted me to be.

Could I go back? Could I stand to see the revulsion in your eyes if I failed? Could I risk it all?

A sigh of annoyance escaped my throat. Annoyance at myself and the way I couldn't shake you. Your memory wrapped itself around every thought. Every heart beat. Every breath had your name on it, like I only existed for you.

I hated it.

But I loved it as well. The idea that there was more to me than just me. A reason to live beyond just existing.

It enthralled and empowered me, because that was all I'd done before. Exist. I had no ties binding me, so I'd been free to just be. To go wherever the wind blew me.

The realization that I might want... need... more struck like a lightning bolt, fast and hard, stealing my breath for a moment.

Spinning tires on the asphalt carried me to a destination I had given no conscious thought, but after hours of travel, I parked under our tree. Putting the kickstand down, I left it there to walk around.

What am I doing here? I can't do this... can I? Can I really let go? Will you meet me halfway?

I'd never know if I didn't ask.

How much would you have changed? Would I recognize you? Would you even be free to be mine? The unknown scared the hell out of me and made me question whether or not I truly wanted to follow through on my mission.

Fuck it. I am a man. I will not let fear cripple me and possibly steal my future. There is no way in hell I'll let fate take my family from me.

From here on out, my fate is in my hands... Mine and yours.

I tripped along, boots scraping on the sidewalk while I searched for you. The titter in the diner made me chuckle because that still hadn't changed. Whispered phrases of 'he's back,' and 'what will she do?' and 'why's he here?' reached my ears. Lips stretched into a grin that I'm sure encompassed most of my face.

Spotting Dottie, I strolled over.

"Where's Keira?"

Raising an eyebrow, she scoffed. "Like I'd tell you anything. Go to hell, Derek."

Hands sought out dirty pockets and I shrugged. "Been there. Done that. I even bought a postcard. Wanna see it?"

Hands fisting on her hips, her mouth tilted down and her forehead creased. "If I knew, I still wouldn't tell you, you bastard. Now, get out of here unless you plan on buying some lunch."

"I just wanna talk to her, Dot. Please?"

A heavy sigh slipped between her clenched teeth and she rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "You know her better than anybody... or at least you did. Where do you think she is?"

Mind racing to all of the places you took me to, only one stuck out from the others. I remembered you told me once you liked to talk to your grandma since you never knew your mother. You said your mom was a no-account woman that had no respect for the word family. One who wouldn't know what love was if it bit her in the ass.

I couldn't help but wonder if that thought applied to me, too.

My legs carried me to where I thought I'd find you. Eyes searching among the concrete and flowers, I finally spotted you. Knelt down with your arms crossed in front of your chest, a jacket hid your body from my investigative gaze. I drank in the sight of you as though I'd go blind any second. It'd been seven long months since we had parted ways. I couldn't get enough of the vision that was before my eyes.

Strawberry blonde curls whipped in the wind, caressing the face my fingers longed to touch. A sparkle on your cheek... I was certain it was a tear. Your shoulders shook and I couldn't just stand there any longer.

Quietly, I stepped up behind you and whispered your name.

"Keira..."

Jumping, your head jerked up in surprise, your eyes meeting mine. "Derek?"

"Yeah, babe. I'm back."

"B...but why?" I didn't miss the hitch of your breath or the way your eyes raked over my body. I couldn't help but wonder what you were thinking.

My fingers reached to tuck a stray curl behind your ear. "I couldn't stay away. I wanted to see if we could reach some sort of... compromise."

Hazel eyes bore into my blue ones as you searched for sincerity behind my words. Nodding, you put your hand out and I helped pull you to your feet. Suspicion clouded my thoughts as I eyed you.

Your hand patted your belly and I knew.

"You're pregnant."

It wasn't a question, but a statement. I could see the evidence in the way your stomach protruded from your body, a glow on your face I hadn't noticed before.

Your head bobbed in admission. "When?" I whispered, afraid of the answer I already knew.

"I found out right after you left."

The words stole the breath from my lungs.

Pregnant.

A baby.

What was I going to do? I wasn't ready to be a father. Teetering on the edge, I wanted to run, the responsibility for someone else's life almost sending me toppling over the edge. I'd never been a father... never had a father. Fear crept up my throat, threatening to choke me.

I shook it off though, determined to try. This baby was part of me, and deserved to have a mom and dad. I knew it would be wrong to abandon you both when you needed me most.

I tried to focus on your words as I steeled myself to be the man you needed. That our baby needed.

"Why did you leave, Derek?"

Skepticism dripped from every word and I wanted to change it. I wanted to restore the faith you once had in me.

"Because... because... because I don't fucking know, Keira." Fisting my hands in my pockets, I tried to explain my actions. "You scared the hell out of me with a demand to get married. You built me up and tried to make me into this person that I wasn't... This person I could never be. I could never measure up to what you wanted. I didn't want to disappoint you, but I knew that I would. I was afraid that in the end... if I stayed... I would have disappointed you more than just leaving." Fingers stretched up to rub my eyes. I was so frustrated. Nothing was coming out the way I wanted you to hear it.

"You didn't want to disappoint me? You didn't want to disappoint me?" Your voice raised an octave, pummeling my chest with your tiny, clenched fists. "Guess what, asshole? You failed in that plan. You did disappoint me." Your face scrunched up in anger and fingers curling tightly into your palms. "I know that you asked me to go with you, but you wouldn't even consider staying." Taking a step back, your voice changed to whisper. "Did you ever think that we could have made it work anyway?"

You closed your eyes, gathering your thoughts before you spoke.

"We could have taken vacations and traveled as often as you wanted... But you took away any choice I had when you left. Yes, I want a stable home. I need a stable home, but we could have had that as long as we would've ended our trips here." Face flushing, you finally opened your eyes to look at me, allowing me to see the plea in them. "Damn you, Derek! Even if you'd left temporarily, we'd have been okay because you always said that if we really loved each other, we'd never be too far. Was it true, Derek? Did you really love me? Because I swear to you, most days it felt like you were millions of miles away."

Trying to compose yourself, your chest heaved with gasping breaths. Tears leaked from your eyes, shredding my heart. Crossing your arms in front of your chest in an attempt to shield yourself, your eyes looked everywhere but at me.

I had done this to you. I made you doubt the reality of our love. Made you question the sincerity behind my words.

"Keira, please listen. I never stopped loving you. Every day I tried to forget you, but you were always there. I did things I'm not proud of, but it was because I couldn't see a way to compromise. I thought it had to be an all or nothing thing." My palm cradled your cheek while my thumb swiped away the moisture there.

"What changed your mind?" Your voice was thick with unshed tears, a few leaking from the corners of your eyes.

"An old man in a bar," I continued, catching your gaze with mine. "He slapped me upside the head and sat me down to tell me there was more to life than an open road and freedom. The asphalt gets cold and lonely without someone to share the experience with. And he was right. I didn't know what I left behind until I was afraid it was too late. Am I...too late?"

Dipping your head down so I couldn't see your face, I waited...impatiently, but I waited. You tilted your head back up and met my eyes, searching for something I was afraid you wouldn't find.

"If you leave me again, there won't be another chance," you finally spoke, a smile spreading across your lips. "And, I'll make sure no one else gets any enjoyment out of you ever again."

The way your eyes lingered at my crotch, I readjusted, reassuring myself that my balls were still attached. A tinkling giggle sounded in my ear and I gathered you into my arms.

"I can't promise to be everything you need...that you both need. I'll try, but a tiger can't change his stripes."

"Slow down, Derek. I learned the hard way that trying to change you makes you run. And believe it or not, I was ashamed of myself for trying to make you fit into a stereotypical mold. You aren't jello. You're a man. My man. And I fell in love with you for you...not what I thought I could make you."

The tables turned and I found myself the seeker of truth and honesty behind your words. Satisfied, I nodded. "Then why did you try?"

"I was stupid, Derek. I don't have a good reason. You weren't what I was looking for...at all. You blindsided me. I always thought I'd fall in love with someone that had a regular nine to five job; that took a vacation once or twice a year. I never expected to love a drifter. I thought I knew what I wanted. What I needed, but it was always you." Finishing with a whisper, you raised a hand to cup my cheek.

Words escaped me. What could I say to that?

"Are you sure that you can be happy with me, Keira?" Raising on tiptoe, you kissed my cheek and nodded. Relief came like the sigh of a breeze. "So what now?"

Your hand got lost in mine as you pulled me along behind you. "Now, we go home. I need to throw something at you."

I couldn't contain the laugh, but let you lead me. Finally feeling at peace and one with myself, I realized I found what I didn't know I was looking for.

Home.


End file.
